A True Story... Maybe You Had To Be There

Once upon a time, long before the invention of Facebook, I was talking to Matt Garlock on AOL Instant Messager. This was shortly after the Big Northeast Blackout of 2003. We were having a I guess you could say normal conversation, when all of a sudden it took a turn for the bizarre (note- the following online conversation is paraphrased from memory):

Matt: Oh, so I have to tell you the craziest story.
Me: Oh?
Matt: Yeah, you know the big blackout we had last week?
Me: Yeah.
Matt: Well, I got hungry and just had to cook myself something of an elaborate fashion, so I had this big knife I was slicing vegetables with...
Matt: ...and I realized I needed more light, and I didn't want to set the knife down in case me or somebody else didn't see it, I didn't want anyone anyone to get cut, you know?
Me: Yeah, sure, of course
Matt: Right... so I walked out of the kitchen with the knife, and clumsy me... I FELL!
Matt: And I sliced my ring finger right off!
{Insert here at least 15 minutes of me saying, "Yeah right, you are so full of it, why should I believe you, you are so full of it", and probably another 10 of Matt fully convincing me that he did indeed chop off his ring finger and his mom put it in a sandwich bag, ran him to the hospital, and the doctor sewed it back on.)


Okay, so there is how it started. Let me tell you how the rest played out.


So, the next day the class of 2003 (all 6 of us, minus Tommy) had planned to go to the Pagano's for dinner and some relaxation. (Mr. Pagano was our history teacher whom we fondly called "Dad".) As we all waited for Matt to show up, I explained to everyone about how he lost his finger but it was sewed back on and the tissue was going to grow and he was going to have to go to therapy, blahblahblah, I spit back out whatever Matt had told me. We all felt a little skeptical, but we thought we would know the truth once Matt got there.

Well, Matt gets dropped off by his mom since she needed the car that day, and lo and behold, we see a white gauze bandage wrapped around his ring finger, with what looked like dry blood oozing out the sides.

"Wow Matt! You really WERE telling the truth!" we all exclaim. "We're all so glad you're okay!"


So, yada yada yada... Matt talks about his traumatic experience for a bit, we all show our concern, and then continue to "reminisce" about the ole' high school days that are only but a month or two behind us. As the evening continues, I sort of wonder about Matt's injury, as I notice he is leaning his entire body weight on the arm where the injury sits. But I dismiss these thoughts, because there is an obvious bandage on his ring finger, correct?

Well, someone... I think it was Zoryana... she brings up Matt's finger again and how awful that must have been. I think Lesley says something about how she would like to see it, and he should take the bandage off. Being the queasy one, I shout "NO!" and Matt complies. And THEN... it all happened so fast I'm not sure of the sequence of events, but all I know is Matt's bandage flies off and there is no finger and Matt is screaming

"AHHH!! RACH MY FINGER!!!"

I scream, we all scream... and Matt is laughing hysterically. We look over. Finger is in place. There is no blood. There are no stitches. It's just a finger. Yes, Matt got us. He got us all. He actually spent time creating a bandage with some gauze around the house and food coloring. But this little story doesn't end there. This is a game, folks. And Matt just checked us. We were about to check-mate.

After us five girls plus Joanne (Mrs. Pagano) smack him and yell at him and screams of "I KNEW you were putting us on!" are all said, we calm down as Matt revels in his twisted sense of humor.

Now, before I continue, let me just clarify for those who don't know that I went to a very small private Christian school for the last 3 years of high school. Everyone knows everybody's business and even though gossip is frowned upon, we get to do it anyway through "prayer chains", where people call one another and "pray" for those who have "fallen astray" or those who need support, or, like Matt, those who have had some sort of injury or illness. (Disclaimer: I understand that some prayer chains can be good, but just from what I've experienced at Calvary Chapel of the Finger Lakes, they are not always with good intentions.)

So, prayer chains. There you have it. Continuing with the story...

Mr. Pagano looks at us girls with a slight smirk, and says to Matt, "Oh boy, we've all been praying for you this entire time Matt..."

Joanne butts in, "Rachael told us about it and I called Pastor Jack right away to put you on the prayer chain! You better start calling people so they are not praying for you in vain!"

Now, of course... we did not make any phone calls to any pastor. But the Pagano's are quick thinkers and the rest of us knew where they were going with this. We all vigorously agreed that Matt should start making phone calls, and he should have never played such a cruel joke on us all because now he has to deal with the consequences...

So, Matt first calls Pastor Jack. (Maybe it was Pastor Rick? I don't know, too many darn pastors in that church.) Luckily, he is not able to get ahold of him, so he calls our old English teacher, Mr. Powell. Matt explains the entire situation to him and Mr. Powell says nobody has called from the prayer chain yet but he'll keep trying Pastor Jack/Rick for him to make sure Matt gets off the prayer chain. Matt thanks him and gets off the phone to call Pastor Mark, the principal of our ole' high school.

At this point, we're all pretty satisfied with ourselves for making Matt feel super guilty but are curious to see how long this might last, so anytime one of us felt the need to burst out laughing, we ran into the kitchen or bathroom. Thankfully Matt didn't notice any of this, and went on to call Pastor Mark, who we said DEFINITELY knew about Matt's finger, and was probably really upset. The conversation went something like the following:

Matt: Hello, Hannah? (Pastor Mark's daughter) Yeah... is your dad there? I didn't really cut off my finger and I need to let him know...
(Hannah on the other line: ????)
Matt: ....okay, thanks......(Hannah gets her dad)...... Hi Pastor Mark, this is Matt Garlock, umm, so I wanted to let you know... I am SO sorry, but... I didn't really cut off my finger, see, I was playing this joke on Rachael and I didn't realize it was going to go this far, and I am SO sorry, I never wanted it to go on the prayer chain.... I put all this fake gauze and blood on and I didn't really mean...

At this point, we are all laughing hysterically. I mean, I'm not sure if my stomach ever hurt that bad as it did at that moment. Matt started to realize the joke was on him now as I'm pretty sure Pastor Mark was in silence on the other end of the phone wondering what the heck Matt was talking about.

"Oh, man... you know what Pastor Mark? I think I just got owned."


And he was right. He did!